Sunday, August 12, 2012

Broken Hearts Are Made Of Stone



They say broken hearts are made of stone, and there may be something to this old adage.  I want to delve into this a bit, but I also want to engage with whoever might want to discuss heartbreak and how we grow numb to it over time.


I know that people are reading this...

Not a huge number compared to some blogs, but I can see how many hits these posts get.

Until now, I have a whopping total of 3 comments.

Hehehehe...

This is not going to be some moping plea for contact, nor some obnoxious tirade about whatever. Don't worry.

In fact, this is going to be a unique blog post for me because I actually have a couple questions that I would be happy to have someone out there respond to.

1)  How many people out there believe that it is possible to truly trust another human being implicitly?  If so, for what length of time?

If you believe that it is possible, have you experienced a relationship where your trust was actually warranted?

If you don't really believe it is possible, but keep putting yourself out there in vain hope that it might manifest... why?

2)  How many times do you think you have to have your heart broken before you either A) become immune to heartbreak, or B) give up on people?

I realize that this post probably sounds über melancholic. Maudlin even.  But trust me, that is not where this is coming from.

My experience is that each failed relationship gets easier than the last.  And if the pattern holds up, it seems that at some point it may actually be possible to have one without expectation and be able to move on from it amicably and happily without feeling betrayed or even disappointed.

Does anyone else feel this way?  Is this simply a case of broken hearts being made of stone?  It doesn't seem that way to me.  

If anything, it seems that the heart becomes more sensitive and aware while simultaneously becoming wiser.  It is as if the idealistic fantasies of youth fall away and you can actually see other people for what they are... beautiful, confused animals that tend to make promises that they can never actually keep.

Both to themselves and to others.

At some point we can actually learn to stop projecting our desires and fantasies onto what is actually a much more nuanced and complex jungle of human interaction... I can already mostly recognize when I am doing it, and stop myself. Perhaps at some point I simply won't do it anymore at all.  

What about the ideal of love?  What about romance?  This all sounds kind of cerebral. 

Idealism and romantic yearnings might be inspirational, but the question is... are these things folly?  

Is it worth it to play a game you know full well will probably end badly... with tons of verifiable statistics to back you up?  I mean most marriages end in divorce.  What does that say about relationships?  Most people probably dated a good number of people before they even tried to get married.  After all, one only gets married to people they have successfully been dating for X amount of time. The failure rate for boyfriend/girlfriend situations is probably astronomical.

Passion actually means suffering... look it up if you don't believe me.  Here, I will do it for you. All you have to do is click THIS link.

Anyway, I don't really feel like waxing philosophic with a barrage of further verbiage right now. What I would like is for some of you to tell me what YOU think.  I have set up the comments so you can post anonymously.  You don't have to sign up or give an email... nothing.  Just go down below this post and comment.  

Feel free to tear into my seemingly nihilistic diatribe.  Argue with me. Go ahead.  

You know you want to.

If this is all a bit too touchy-feely for you, let me know that.  I will surely go back to more cosmic and uplifting subject matter the next time I decide to throw something up here.  If you have been reading this blog, you will know that I tend towards more abstract and big-picture kinds of stuff.

So.  Comment away.  Let me have it.

7 comments:

  1. I believe that we have to trust in each other - implicitly - if we're not to go through life feeling bitter and cynical and unhappy. I also think that once that trust is broken, the relationship is broken, and it's time to move on. We are social animals, and I think we're hard-wired to trust, which is why your heart makes it gradually easier to start over. I don't think you get used to your trust being broken, I think you're right in saying that it just makes us more aware that no-one is perfect, but this doesn't in itself make anyone untrustworthy. I have rambled on. I do hope this helps!

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  2. Thanks for that reply. I appreciate your perspective.

    Hard to say if we are hard-wired to trust though... the world is filled with a lot of mistrust. Among friends, family, social constructs, nations etc. Pretty much at every level of human interaction as far as I can tell.

    Relationships are where we tend to open ourselves up the most, and become most vulnerable. But we all know that most people disarm themselves slowly, and leave plenty of defenses in place. Most lovers I have come across have a fair bit of jealousy and suspicion going on.

    Being imperfect certainly doesn't equal being untrustworthy... but it doesn't help either. When you know that another has weaknesses, you also know that they might make mistakes they will regret... like hurting or betraying you.

    This is complex, and I believe in trusting... if only because it brings out the best in us.

    Thanks again for your comment. It means a lot.

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    1. Hi - me again! I so agree with what you say about this being a complex issue. Having just read back through my earlier reply I can see that I didn't really word it as well as I could have done! Suffice to say that I think it is important that we at least try to trust one another, no matter how often that trust is broken. Eventually you will stumble across someone who is also looking for someone they can trust, and you will be complete. For me, trust isn't broken by things that are obviously mistakes or simple thoughtlessness but by things that are done deliberately, with the purpose being to hurt or betray. I like to think that the flip side of trust is forgiveness and for each of us our level or degree of forgiveness is different, therefore our level of trust will also differ. The trick is to find someone whose levels are similar to yours ... Wow - a complex issue indeed! Thank you for making me think about this, and so sorry if I've gone on for too long!! xx

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    2. No, no... by all means. Go on as long as you like. I'm ecstatic to have an actual conversation going on here. Until now, this blog has mostly been like pontificating in an empty bathroom--with the echo of your own voice off the tiles and mirrors as a peanut gallery.

      Heheheh.

      I agree with you about forgiveness. It is hard though. Especially because those people that require the most forgiveness... are the very ones that don't actually deserve it. Furthermore, plenty of people see forgiveness as a sign of weakness, and an invitation to come in and walk all over you.

      Still, I have come to understand that forgiveness is not so much for the one you are forgiving, but for yourself. It allows you to let go of shit and return to being a loving human being. Not forgiving is what hardens the heart.

      It's tough. I suppose it works out that one often has to forgive someone while letting them go. Resist that mighty urge for justice. And yet, it often takes the most courage and honesty to push someone out of your life if they are consistently dragging you down.

      The Beatles sang "We Can Work It Out" (Stevie Wonder tore that tune up as well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dL1GzbUdtfg ), but even that wise jam starts out with "Try to see things MY way." ;-) In the end, it is as Lennon & McCartney said in the middle 8 "Life is very short, and there's no time for fussing & fighting my friend..."

      So, if the loss of trust in a relationship is resulting in too much fussing and fighting, it is generally better to give up on trying to work things out, and just wipe the slate clean. While we are busy trying to duct tape a battered relationship back together, we could have maybe been out finding someone more suited to accompany us on this leg of our life's journey.

      Anyway, now i'm going on too long myself. Be well, and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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  3. Shelley (svassall@yahoo.com)August 25, 2012 at 9:28 AM

    Trust is a tricky thing isn't it? Hell, aren't relationships tricky things? To have one, to be in one where your hearts longing is truly met, don't love, trust and intimacy have to go together? If you want a real spiritual, physical and emotional relationship with someone, don't you have to let your guard down? Be vulnerable? It's a belief I think. A belief that you will and can unconditionally trust someone (especially through the very worst storms) and that they are not going to hurt you...betray you. I'm not saying that I have done any of it - it is hard after all! Attempted it? Yes. Or maybe I thought I was but never really quite got there. If you were to 'accomplish' all of these things, then what? Have you found your soulmate? Does such a thing even exist? Someone whose locks fit our keys and keys that fit our locks...when you feel safe enough that you can open yourself up to all of the endless possibilities and be honestly and completely who you are...Maybe 'tricky' isn't the right word in the end...it's a lot more complex than that!

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  4. Shelley (svassall@yahoo.com)August 25, 2012 at 10:04 AM

    Trust is a tricky thing isn't it? Hell, aren't relationships tricky things? To have one, to be in one where your hearts longing is truly met, don't love, trust and intimacy have to go together? If you want a real spiritual, physical and emotional relationship with someone, don't you have to let your guard down? Be vulnerable? It's a belief I think. A belief that you will and can unconditionally trust someone (especially through the very worst storms) and that they are not going to hurt you...betray you. I'm not saying that I have done any of it - it is hard after all! Attempted it? Yes. Or maybe I thought I was but never really quite got there. If you were to 'accomplish' all of these things, then what? Have you found your soulmate? Does such a thing even exist? Someone whose locks fit our keys and keys that fit our locks...when you feel safe enough that you can open yourself up to all of the endless possibilities and be honestly and completely who you are...Maybe 'tricky' isn't the right word in the end...it's a lot more complex than that!

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    1. Too true.

      You pose a lot of poignant and powerful questions. These are the kind of questions that you can ask yourself every day, and each day give yourself a different answer.

      I suppose the crass, logical way of looking at it is to ask a slightly different question... Is what is gained from such a monumental and potentially risky undertaking worth the amount of time, blood, sweat & tears that you have to invest in it?

      Pretty subjective stuff, and not stuff that has any clear "correct" answers. In the end we all have to follow our hearts, even if our hearts lead us into a more cool, detached perspective where we may decide, perhaps, not to play the game or pay its costs.

      At the very least, we should strive to be honest with ourselves and others, and not purposefully ignore evidence of other people's un-trustworthiness... especially not simply to prolong a fantasy or appease our sense of romance.

      Anyway, who knows? Thanks for your lovely comment.

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